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Aug. 16th, 2006 @ 12:21 am Cuz I'm a Boss
Current Location: home
Current Mood: drained
Current Music: "Fair" by Remy Zero
So, I got promoted at work since the last time I wrote. Don't worry, they don't pay me much more. It is really just a title and more responsibilty for a quarter more an hour. So suddenly, I went from friend and co-worker to supervisor. I have settled in reasonably well, but there are always a few drawbacks to going from one of the gang to one of the managers.

I have a dual perspective. I have manager eyes and assoicate eyes. Sometimes when I try to look through both, I just get dizzy. I have great associates in my area, they work hard for me and because they have a work ethic (which is hard to come by these days). They tell me things or complain about the way things are and I agree whole-heartedly. I do, until I think about it in terms of being a supervisor. I have always liked to look at things from both sides, try to understand why a person would act a certian way, or why things didn't go as planned. Yet, sometimes, people don't want both sides, they want to be agreed with. I totally get that, because I feel like that most of the time. I suppose most people feel that way too (everyone likes to be right). I just can't seperate the reasoning and understanding that I have for both sides. I get why we HAVE to do one thing or another, but I also see why no one wants to do it and I don't blame them. I guess what I am saying is, the thing that should have been a blessing has turned out to be a curse.

I have to spend time with the other bosses. I love the other management staff, don't get me wrong. But, I have roots. My roots are with the workers, not with the supervisors. I eat lunch and have a great time with them, but at the end of the day, my friend are the worker bees. I fit in there. I get their frustrations and their pride. The executives make their bonuses and salaries on their backs. Everyone has a hard job and a cross to bare at work, but the managers seem to think that they have the most to do. They sit in the offices and call down to see if everyone is doing his or her job and then they say, "I just dont know what to do about her".

I have to go to management meetings. Now, I do love getting off my feet and sitting for a while, but that is what lunch and break is for. I hate talking about sales gains/losses that purely depend upon whether or not people have money to spend on new towels or not. You want to know why furniture sales are down? No one wants a new mattress right now! That's why!!!! Junior girls bottoms aren't selling because jr girls don't want to buy pants right now! Ugh. Then, the dreaded credit talk. Why didn't suzie may not make her charge application goal? Because no one wanted a frickin' credit card, that's why. Or maybe she didn't want to pay 20% interest on that sweater on second thought. Boo to the meetings, boo I say.

Okay, so it isn't all bad. I get some respect and I lighten the workload of somepeople. I am pretty well-liked and I get to talk to everyone. I get the inside scoop on all the happenings and I have people on both sides to vent my frustrations to. And who would say no to a quarter more? Come on! Later.
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Oct. 12th, 2005 @ 07:28 pm It's been a while...
Current Mood: content
Current Music: "Strange Condition" by: Pete Yorn
Wow... it really has been a while since I updated this. Well, isn't it funny how time can pass and nothing new happens? Not funny haha, but funny. I am as boring as ever. I have the same job, same friends, same school. I got new tires and an oil change, but again I dont think that that falls into the "exciting" catergory. I had a fun summer. I was full of work, but also full of fun and relaxation. I have found that I truly do love summer. I usually like the more temperate months, yet this summer was amazing to me. We had barely any rain and extreme heat, but none of that seemed to change my opinion of it. I liked walking out in a short sleeve shirt and being warm. I like wearing fipflops everywhere. Because during the summer, sandals seem to always be appropriate. Oh well, now I will go and mourn the loss of another season. Adieu. Parting in such sweet sorrow and all that jazz. Later.
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Mar. 27th, 2005 @ 02:53 pm "I Gotta Fever..."
Current Mood: bored
Current Music: "I'll Remember You" By: Sophie Zelmani
I cannot wait for spring. Honestly, I am ansy when it comes to the changing of the seasons. I am craving a day with out a coat, jacket or sweater. I want to go out in a tee and jeans, feel a cool/warm breeze and not be freezing my ass off in the process. I am excited to get winter out and spring in. I know that spring has offically begun, but I don't see it. I think mother nature or the calendar publishers should have to prove that the season changed, like let's say a WARM DAY!

It is March and it snowed the other day, MARCH! It isn't unheard of in my neck of the woods, but it isn't common either. I was reading the newspaper yesterday and they predicted 70 degrees on Tuesday. Now I would get all giddy about it but, I have to work ALL day long and the weather men are completely incorrect like 90% of the time. I just can't trust a meteorelogist. I mean, if you choose that profession, you are supposed to be a scientist and know weather patterns. And it is the only job I can think of where you can fuck up 5 days out of 7 and still be employed at the end of the week.

And my favorite day of the year is that first warm/hot day when everyone seems to break out of their cocoon. People who have been seemingly cooped up for ages finally come out and feel the sun on their face. Bad moods are almost impossible to have on that day, because you are so thankful that the birds are chirping and the bees are buzzing. On that day, it is like my first breath of air in months, and it feels so freaking refreshing. It has an unexplainable placebo effect on people, especially me. And I can hardly wait. Later.
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Mar. 7th, 2005 @ 11:19 pm Unintellegent Believers
Current Mood: angry
Current Music: "Strong" By: Velvet Chain
So, I was watching a new DVD collection that I recently purchased and I got angry. I mean ANGRY! I was sitting there dumbfounded and confused, furious and irate. I couldn't seem to keep my emotions in check and irrationally wanted to throw something at the TV, because it was the thing pissing me off. But, I thought for a second and realized that I didn't have the $200 to replace it so, I calmed down a bit. I suppose you would like to know what got me so upset, so I will enlighten you. I am still fucking pissed at those god damned christians.

I was watching the first season of a Showtime original series called "Bullshit!". It is a show that exposes the bullshit that seeps into some of the facets of our everyday lives. The episode that got me so furious was, Creationism. You're suprised? I didn't think so. I am astounded at the amount of people out there who don't think rationally. And it makes me an angry. There I said it, "Hi my name is Co and I can't stand irrational, stupid people." There, that feels much better. Now I can speak from a place of reason and not emotion.

Creationism (or as the believers like to call it 'intellegent design') is still an issue in some areas. Some people (morons)[sorry my tick acting up again] think that evolution should have creationism taught with it. Ummm... is anyone else rasing their hands and thinking, 'but what about the Constitution?' Yeah, me too. I am mystified by the people who think that Genesis actually happened and not only that but it should be taught in a public school. Excuse me, I don't want to hear about the fucking apple and the snake and the fact that god (a perfect spirit) got so tired on the seventh day, he had to take a nap. And I definately don't want my hypothetical kids taught that either. It isn't backed by anything scientific... and that is where they want it taught, in science class.

And that's it. That is why I am so angry. It may seem like something little, insignificate, and inconsquential. But, there are consquences. I don't like having my rights taken away from me. And the right they are threating is, maybe I don't want to hear about your religious views. Because in America, I shouldn't have to hear about creationism if I choose not to. So, if something like this makes you angry-- I conisider you a good American. If not, I weep for the future. Later.
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Feb. 17th, 2005 @ 12:41 am Hurt So Good
Current Mood: morose
Current Music: "Sunday Morning" By: Ani DiFranco
I am yearning. Yearning, as you know, is when you want something so bad it hurts. I want so many things in my life. I want to be a good friend, daughter, employee, sister, confidant just to name a few. I want to be a college graduate, homeowner, and a fantastic lay (one down, two to go j/j). But, those things don't fit the description of yearning. What I want more than anything is to be sated. I want to feel content. No matter how close I get, I am always just out of arms reach it seems.

And today I was okay, really I was. Then, an old wound was opened and now I ache. I feel my stomach muscles twist into knots and I don't know how to smooth them out. And what I yearn for more than anything is to have that wound closed so I could put it in the back of my mind again.

But, what is truly going to make me feel satisfied? I have so many possiblities, yet no path is clear. I could completely go off my current course and into the unknown. Or I could keep going on the same path and have this feeling for god knows how long. The worst part of my quandry is, either way I'm fucked (and not in a positive, life affirming way). Should I settle for the path of least resistance? Should I blaze new trails and go my own way?

All I am sure of is, I miss my childhood. Everything was easy, everything was planned. Now, I find myself surrounded by fog with no light house in sight. When I was a kid, I had this master scheme in my head, and in my mind it worked out so easily. I yearn for my childish naïveté and purity. But, I yearn for so much more than that. I crave the unlimited possiblities I had as a child, but combined with the freedoms of adulthood. I hunger to reconcile the two halves of my life. I can feel another pang in my gut and I long for innocence, but revel in my wisdom that took all those years to build. Later.
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Feb. 13th, 2005 @ 11:59 pm Mother Knows Best
Current Mood: thankful
Current Music: "Stay" By: Lisa Loeb
I was born to be a mother. Now, I know that I said in a previous entry that I wasn't sure that I wanted to have kids. But, that is not what I am talking about. I am a mother in all senses of the word except for the actual birth part (insignificant detail, a mere formality really ;)) I am the one who takes care of things. I am the one who worries about everyone's lives. I am the one you come to if you desperately need 50 bucks. I am the one who makes dinner and cleans the bathroom. I am the one who loves without reservation.

Right now you are thinking, well zippadeedooda why don't we just give to a fucking metal then? But, it is the truth. When I go out with a group of people, I am the DD. I make sure that no one does what they will regret later. I am the one who brings tylenol and bandaids in her bag. I have an overwhelming need to care for people. It is a natural instinct to protect your young. I feel that I try my best to protect people from physical harm (pulling on the back of their shirt so they don't walk out in traffic) and emotional pain (telling their current boy/girlfriend 'If you hurt her, I will murder you and make it look like an accident').

When someone has a problem at work, they call me. And they don't call me by my given name either. They have dubbed me affectionately, Mama. And the sickest part is, I answer to it. They seem to think or know that I have a solution to most problems and concerns. I am the stern, yet friendly one who can tell people 'no' and they accept it. I give the compliments and encouragement that people crave (which my boss must be allergic to). If someone is sick, I know about it and I give them tips on how to get better. I also remember later and call them to make sure they are well. At least 5 times a day, someone will come up to me and say, "I need a hug." But, I don't begrudge them for depending on me so much.

If someone has an issue in their lives, I am the one to call. Because, as a mother, I am on call 24/7. People call me late, early, midday and want advice or a sympathic ear. If you need a ride, company, money, a critical opinion, I am your gal. And the thing about it is, I am happy to do it. I love my role as mom. But, I receive my fair share of mothering as well. I have been known to have a meltdown, or 46. I have a network of people around me to put me back together when I fall apart. I am no saint, I am not perfect(plenty of people to vouch for that one), I am me. I have finally, after a looooong process, begun to come into my own, into myself. I have figured out that mothering other people sometimes makes me feel good. And I figure, why deprive myself of that pleasure? Later.
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Feb. 13th, 2005 @ 12:52 am L.O.L
Current Mood: giggly
Current Music: "Little Less Conversation" By: Elvis
Today I got to thinking about laughter. I love to laugh. Somedays I feel like I could sit around for hours just laughing until I can't breathe. What is it about laughter that is so intoxicating? It is like a drug, a drug that you forget the effects of until you are high on it already. Now, if you ask most people-- What are you looking for in a man/woman? they will answer-- Sense of humor. I agree. I can't stand to be around certian people because they lack humor. I fact, humor can make unattractive people attractive. Humor is really very powerful, it has the power to change moods and mindsets. It can make a bad day disipate in mere seconds.

I have the most clear recollections of the times that I have laughed with family and friends. From a little giggle to side splitting cackles, I can look back and recapture that feeling. I have had times when my abs hurt the next day because of laughing. I believe that they far outweigh the times I have cried that hard.

There are different reasons for laughing. I am definately one to get slap happy from time to time. At those points, EVERYTHING is funny. It can be as simple as dropping a spoon or mispronoucing a word. Then, there is the laughter of familiarity. When you get comfortable with someone, you have inside jokes, knowing glances, and intimate knowledge of one another's lives. Even more so, there are things that you witness that are humourous. I am evil and I laugh when people fall down and when people make asses out of themselves. I am a sucker for wit and sarcasm. Few people can do it well, but when they have it, they really have it. And lastly, there are the things that are meant to make us laugh by their very definition: entertainment (Movies, writing, TV, radio, live shows, etc.).

I cannot say that I have a favorite kind of laughter, it all seems to blend together for me. I just enjoy the physical sensations that pulse through my body when I am giggling. The endorphins that are released inside the brain when you laugh are so amazing. That is why I surround myself with people who share my humor, it makes things a lot more fun and makes life a little less hard to bear. Later.
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Feb. 11th, 2005 @ 01:40 am Losing My Religion
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: "Modualtion" By: Ani DiFranco
A few days ago at work, a fellow associate asked me a rather disturbing question. Well, I suppose that most people wouldn't find it as disturbing as I did, but still. He asked me, "Do you want to go to church with me?" Now, the look on my face could have written volumes, but mostly it just said, "What the Fuck?". (I warned you that I'm a bitch). I answered in the only way I know how, I was honest. I told him I wasn't a Christian. He didn't seem to understand and continued to press the issue. I repeated that I do not believe that a man name Jesus, born of a virgin, came down to wash away my sins and give me his blood, which is the only way to heaven. Needless to say, I haven't gotten an invitation from him since.

Okay seriously now, when did it become acceptable for people to ask you to go to church with them. When I was younger, we didn't discuss religion outside of school (a catholic school). I never wondered what religion someone was, probably half because I thought everyone was Catholic like me or it just didn't occur to me to mind. I don't get it. Your religious practices are supposed to be sacred and special, not something that you ask random co-workers to participate in. Would you take the chance of having someone you know embarrass you in front of the parish? I wouldn't and I'm not even Catholic any longer. I also think that it is highly unprofessional to question someone about their beliefs on the selling floor of a department store. I felt very put on the spot and luckly I am secure enough to tell him the truth about my religion or lack there of. Someone else could have been put in a situation like that and been too sweet to say, "no thanks".

Another thing, I didn't appreciate the disbelief written on his face when I uttered those terrible words: I'm not a Christian. It is like a scarlet letter, I am a heritic, a savage, a pagan, a sinner, a commie. I don't know the exact terminology for a person like me in their eyes, I suppose it depends on the denomination and the level of extremeness. But, the point is, just because I am not a Christian doesn't mean that I couldn't be something just as mainstream. Christianity hardly has a monopoly on the God business. Jews, Muslims, Buddists, Hindus, Alcoholics... they all pay homage to a different diety (Yahweh, Allah, Budda, Gehnesha, Jim Beam) and they are quite mainstream. Who says that I am not one of those religions? (truth be told I am probably half between a Buddist and an Alcoholic).

So, to recap: Not a Chrisitian, but not ashamed. Shocked over invite to church, but not tongue-tied. Not mainstream, but who the fuck wants to be. I do very much like my life right now and even if most of the world wants to 'save' me. The only thing they can 'save' is their breath, because I'm not listening. Later.
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Jan. 25th, 2005 @ 12:43 am You've gotta friend
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: "True" By: Ryan Cabrera
I have many people in my life: family, co-workers, fellow students, aquaintences, and friends. And of all these groups, the one with the fewest members is the friends column. Now, don't start with the 'ahhhh, poor baby' sighs. I believe that I have few friends by choice and choice alone. I have talked about my need to be honest, my views on the world and such, and my willingness to be alone, all of these things factor into my logic (such as it is).

It is not easy to be my friend. I am fucking demanding. I am kinda a bitch too. I need my friends to be as honest with me as I am with them. If they aren't, I get cranky. I need friends to reassure me and rub circles on my back when I cry. But, even more than that, I have to have a friends who know when to tell me I am being a pussy and to suck it up. They have to know when to back off and let me have space, but in the same moment, they have to know when I need them to push back at me and force me to stay with them. I am what Sheryl Crow would call "The Difficult Kind". I open my mouth then insert my foot A LOT, so I need to be forgiven easily.

Friends are noy easy to have either. I have to be there, whenever, wherever (no I am not Shakira, but I do wish I had her ass). I need to listen even when I would rather talk, comfort when I would rather smack up side the head, and smile when I want to cry. Okay, I am being melodramatic. It isn't all that bad. It has those down points, like talking to them about a dream they just had at 4 in the morning because they want to tell me before they forget. And getting so annoyed with a certian thing they do or phrase they use, that I want to scream unpleasent things at them like, "Step off, bitch". But for the most part I don't do that and I am soooo proud of myself for that.

So, why do I even bother with the few friends I have you are probably asking. Well, excellent question. I love them. Yeah, it is corny, sentimental, and some might say a cop out. But, it is the honest to goodness truth. I hope that is why they are my friends too (the only other guess I have is it is for my sexual prowess, so I just picked one). When I love, I throw everything into it. I love unabashedly, wholely and honestly. So, to all my friends, a quote from a great poet, "I love you not only for what you are but, for what I am when I am with you." Extra brownie points if you know who the author is. (And just to let you know, brownie points don't convert into actual currency). Later.
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Dec. 18th, 2004 @ 12:52 am Poor Baby
Current Mood: listless
Current Music: "Nobody Girl" By: Ryan Adams
I am poor. Well, not in the typical, literal sense, but in the figurative sense... I am broke. The funny thing is, it never bothered me before, but it bothers me now. I suppose my attitude change has come for a few reasons, yet none of these reasons make me even a cent richer.

When I was in high school and at college, everyone was broke. You had just enough to get by and pooled you money to do exciting things, like say, see a movie or order a pizza. But, in my current state, movies and pizza aren't good enough anymore. All of a sudden, I want to go places and buy EVERYTHING. I have finally given into the capitalization that has been pushed on me by society since birth. I want CD's, movies, furniture, clothes, shoes (I will blame Carrie Bradshaw for that one), dinner, alcohol, makeup, electronics, moon rocks, tea kettles, glue, duct tape, WHATEVER I CAN GET MY HANDS ON! I can't help it I am a slave to the capitalist groove (Donald Trump is my homeboy!).

Another reason I think it bothers me is, I am older now. I always thought that when you got older you made tons of freaking money and you could spend it as you wished. Yeah, sure. I love the naive nature of the young mind. I get to spend it on exciting things like: Bills, gas, food, and school. Woo Fucking Hoo. I hate breaking even or being in the red column at the end of the month. It makes me sad.

My last reason is an age old gripe. Things cost more now! Inflation is a bitch, let me tell you. I remember when gas was less than a dollar a gallon. Now, I am lucky if I can find it for less than $2. (Excuse me while I freak out... I soooo sounded like my parents right there! Damn it! The inevitable has happened, I sound like my parents!!). Clothes are way more money than I remember. People lay out $30 for a pair of jeans, I just think... I had to work for about 5 hours to be able to pay for that. Ummm... yeah. That seems kinda steep, I'll wait on the pants!

So, until I win it big in the Lotto or marry very rich, I will continue to be my broke- ass self. But, I think it comes down to the fact that I don't really mind being poor. I just hate the worry that is associated with it. If I could ALWAYS cover my bills and have a little nest egg money, that would be cool. But, I worry about it, because life has no guarentees, no payment plans, no "No Interest Until 2008!"... It is a one moment at a time kinda thing. And it scares the shit out of me. To really live for today, you have to give up the worry. That worry, which is so comfortable because it fills the place where we think control should be. Since we have absolutely no control over life, we worry instead. So, I will try to shake it off and remember that the no control thing is the fun part. I just have to skew my view and let the worry become what it is, useless. Later.
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Dec. 7th, 2004 @ 08:50 pm Man, I feel like a...
Current Mood: flirty
Current Music: "Turn Me On" By: Norah Jones
I am a girl. No need to check my birth certificate or sneak a peek in my drawers, I am telling you once and for all: I am a girl. Girly, is more what I mean, but same difference. I never thought that I would be this way, but I have blossomed into a girly girl. Now, I do not and I repeat DO NOT have everything in common with really annoyingly feminine women. I am still independant and strong willed. Still sexually curious and not shy about talking about 'embarrasing' topics. But, I find myself a girl. A 21 year old princess.

Now, you might laugh, but the whole thing that set this off was my haircut today. I paid $75 to have my locks tended to and I do not feel even a note of regret. I like the way my newly revamped, highlighted strands swish behind me as I walk. I love the softness of my hair through my fingertips. I am enraptured my the sweet, subtle aroma left behind my the shampoo and haircare products. It is all very intoxicating and I can't get enough of it. Now, I am sure that I have you all calling the doctor to check the dosage on the perscription I must be taking, but hear me out.

I have always been a little on the uncaring side when it comes to my appearence. I am not vain or arrogant. But, when I do spend time on myself, I love the way I feel afterwards. I get a confidence about me that is usually more toned down. I have more of a sparkle and I smile more. When I wear a skirt or more 'girly' clothes, I act more coy and dainty. I am really and truly neither of those two adjectives, but I can pretend with the best of them. I wait and expect men to open doors for me and treat me like a lady. I relish in the attention and fuss that is around the way I look. I live for compliments on my hair,make up and dress. But in the end, it is so empty.

I am still the sightly bitchy, dominate personality that I usually am, it is just hidden away. And instead I get to be an attention whore with nicer shoes. It is like playing dress up when you were five. You try on somone else's life for a little while. It feels nice, but in the end it is just pretending. That facade is never as fufilling as the real true self that is lying underneath. So, I endulge my inner- Narcisis once a month or so, and keep my true face there the rest of the days. So, girl? Yes, but not at the sake of my true womanhood. Later.
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Dec. 1st, 2004 @ 12:11 am Expectations
Current Mood: complacent
Current Music: "Waltz With Me" By: Tonic
The tribe has spoken, "No Christmas". Yep, you heard me correctly, no christmas. None. Nada. My family has discussed it and there will be no celebration, no tree, no presents, no eggnog (I am really sad about not getting to drink snot), no carols, no cards with vague phrases like "Happy Holidays" or "Season's Greetings", no wreaths, no... okay, you get the picture. Before you start to scuff and call us ba-humbuggers, here is the really 411.

We are moving ON Christmas, literally on Christmas morning. When all the little kids are hopping out of bed at the ass crack of dawn to see what 'Santa' got them, I will be hauling boxes, mattresses, kitchen utensils, movies, rugs and tokens (Don't ask). So, why would we go to all that trouble of buying more shit, just to have to move it across town?(And believe me, that 30 lbs TV you were thinking about getting isn't so fun when you are carrying it to the truck in the snow, then back out again in 10 miles).

I am not that sad though. At least I won't have to do the dreaded X-Mas shopping, or faking I like something that a family member bought for me just because they are family. I can only muster so much enthusiasm for a sweater that either belongs in 1988 or the trash heap. And I am not into the religious aspect of it anymore (not that there was much of one anymore anyway.) I am not down with the star, wise men, and the fact that baby JC or Mary didnt get some kind of infection by giving birth in a barn.

So, no ho ho ho to be found here. Sorry, we're fresh out of candy canes and fruit cake. And there will be no flying deer on my watch mister! Before you judge, don't you think it's bad enough when a bird poops on you? EWW PRANCER! I TOLD YOU NOT TO EAT ALL THAT FIBER! Later.
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Nov. 23rd, 2004 @ 09:35 am Child's Play
Current Mood: cranky
Current Music: "Silver Springs" By: Fleetwood Mac
I am not sure that I want children. It is true. I am a young, semi-healthy, straight woman and I am not sure that I want to add the title of mother to that list. I love kids, that really has nothing to do with it. And I have heard time and time again that I would make a great mom. But, I have a nagging voice in the back of my head, "Don't do it, don't do it."

Why?, you might ask. Well, I do not have that completely worked out right now, but I will give you my suspicions. I am selfish. I know that this is not a highly feminist explaination, however it is true. I like my privacy and alone time. I like having clothes without stains and a car without a child safety seat in it. I like spending my money on, well, me. I am only 21, so maybe I will change my mind, right? Well, I have a few more reasons. I don't think that I will be able to get pregnant. I have a feeling that I will be infertal. I don't know where it comes from. I suppose I just figure that so many women have trouble conceiving these days, I will probably be in the unlucky camp. And I just do not want to go through the inverto, fertility drugs, and menstration charts.

I think that bringing a child into the world at THIS time in history is almost a tragedy. I don't trust my government, the enviornment is shit, AIDS is on the rise again, there are cruel terrible people out there who fly planes into buildings for Chirst's sake. I am not sure that I could have something I love so much, more than myself, exposed to such terrible things. Besides, the world is over-populated as is.

I am also so afraid of having a child with special needs or a handicap. Don't get me wrong, I would love the child regardless of any defect, but I want what everyone else wants, a happy, healthy, baby. It can be such a burden, to parent and child, if the child is handicapped. I also am deathly afraid of post-partum depression. It is rare, but some mothers contemplate suicide and infanticide. That is fucking scary. If I couldn't love my child fully and rightfully, what kind of life would that be for either of us.

I don't know what I would teach my child. I mean I am pretty much an just a theist with no religious structure at all, I am liberal in almost every meaning of the term, I would refuse to let my child believe that a fat man in a red suit and a fuzzy bunny bring them gifts every year, and I am exposed to the most diverse group of people there are. So, what kind of a growing up experience is that? No god, non-traditonal family values, no santa! What do you mean NO SANTA?!?!? Yep, I will be the bitch who ruins it for the entire 2nd grade class. At the first mention of the holiday superstar, my kid will say, "Santa isn't real, he is simply a marketing ploy to get parents to buy their kids more useless crap. Christmas in general has become a hoax and is over commericalized. It is sad that our society thinks it needs to lie to the children we are trying to impart honesty and truth to." That's my baby!!

So, now that I have you completely convinced not to procreate (kidding), I am going to say that I haven't ruled out motherhood as an option. When I am older and wiser, maybe my mindset and hormones will change my outlook. But, for right now, I say NO BABIES!! Men are childish enough, I'll just get me one of those. Later.
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Nov. 19th, 2004 @ 12:28 am Personal Information
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: "Criminal" By: Fiona Apple
I like getting to know people. I am, what is that hideous expression, a people person. I get along well with most kinds of folks. I don't judge anyone (well not anymore and if I do happen to it is all subconscience, scouts honor**). In turn, I think that people like me (I hope they do anyway, I have gotten pretty good approval rating from my extensive phone survey of my family and friends). I truly believe that if I give everyone a chance, most people will give me one too. And for the most part it has panned out. I have had some disappointments and I have been fucked over, but nothing a resilient gal like myself can't bounce back from.

But, returning to my opening comment, getting to know someone is tricky business. If you go too fast, you will not be fully trusted. I mean would you trust someone you have known for a little while with your ATM card and pin number? It is the same thing with personal information. Why would I fully expose myself to hurt and wrongful use of such info after just a small amount of time? No, of course no. If you go too slow on the other hand, the person may find you suspect again. They may think that your interest in them is inconsistant and contrived. If someone takes their sweet ass time to get to know something as simple as what school you attend, where you work, or your diablical plot to overthrow the Swedish government (or maybe that one is just me), you might think that you are simply a convenient friend.

So, it takes the right timing. Now, tone and environment are also key. You have to display the right amount of genuine curiousity and involvement in their life. If you don't do this, you will be shut out once again. You have to be friendly, so no shining a light in their eyes and yelling, "Are you going to tell me about your childhood or do I have to get Butch here to persuade you?" You catch my drift and if you don't I'll have Butch throw it to you again. Environment is also essential. If a person does not feel comfortable, they will not want to open up. I wouldn't want to talk about my fucked up family, such as they are, or my sex life, such as it isn't, at a church bake sale or in an interrogation room at the police station downtown. You need a good aura around you and the place you are getting to know someone in. I like coffee shops, bedrooms, and porno sets (again that one is probably just me).

There are alot of rules, but I don't want you to think that I am telling you how I manipulate people (Why would I devulge such valuable info?). I am just trying to depict how incrediably hard it can be to get to know someone. It is a wonder that we know the people that we do. But, here comes the eternal, theoretical, philosopical question, (ready?).... Do we really ever 'know' anyone? I mean those people who commit suicide or shoot up a school, the family and friends always say they had no idea that the person had that in them. The rest of the world shakes their head, shrugs and says, "I guess you just never really know a person."

People are such a mystery. Maybe that is why I love people so much. I am really just a slooth in disguise. I want to solve the puzzle, break the code and unlock the... the... ummm... lock. I am a regular Shurlock Holmes, so I guess that makes people the Hound of the Baskerville's. For what ever reason, I am a prodder. I always want to know more about people. I soak up all the knowledge I can to try to understand people, so maybe one day I can understand myself. Later


**Author's Note: I was never really a scout. I attended a few meetings in the fifth grade but was never certified. I like to think of that as my experimental time. I apologize for any shame or outright disgrace this may have caused the organization of the Girl/Boy scouts.
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Nov. 17th, 2004 @ 11:07 pm I am feeling pretty basic today... Side ones, track ones
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: "Kennedy" By: Kill Hannah
Yes, it is a shame. I almost cried and I fear the worst. Sometimes I find myself in a state of utter bewilderment and frustration. Other times, I am simply horrified and depressed. But, is there any real solution to my current situation? Oh, I'm sorry. You must not have heard, George W Bush was re-elected. Okay, I am sure you have heard and sobbed (rightfully) about it, however, I don't think that the country completely grasps the severity of this development. Yep, the retarded cowboy is back- with a vengence. It all seems like an ill-advised sequel to a movie that flopped, or a bad dream where you acually hit bottom when you fall off the cliff. Whichever the sinerio of choice, it is true.

I cannot believe that the good ole US of A is supid enough to put this man back in office, oh wait, yeah I can. The religious right finally got their way (and by now you know what I think about religion). But, aren't these Bible-beating Jesus freaks a little tweaked on something more than sacramental wine? I mean, in the infamous "good book", doesn't it state things like love thy neighbor, turn the other cheek and thou shall not kill? So, why do these people support a canidate who: started a war with a country that was no threat to us, doesn't want equal rights for all citizens, and supports the death penalty?

Lesser of two evils perhaps? If so, how the fuck is GW the man for the job? They say they want to protect their values. Why don't the just come out and say, no ass fucking? I mean seriously, that is what the election turned into. With like 11 states voting against gay marriage, the "values" where really equal to homophobia. And I have to quote one of my favorite political comedians, Bill Maher... "Stop saying that blue state people are out of touch with the values and morals of the red states. I'm not out of touch with them. I just don't share them. In fact, and I know this is about 140 years late, but to the Southern States, I would say, "Upon further consideration, you CAN go. I know that's what you've always wanted, and we've reconsidered. So go ahead. And take Texas with you."" I had first hand experience with a republican the other day. After a comment I made about former president Bill Clinton, she told me (and I quote), "Then, you have no morals." I stopped, smirked and told her, "No, I have morals, they just aren't your morals. I happen to be a very moral person according to my own standards, and for me they are the only ones that count." So that is my story. Okay, so I am a bitchy, opinionated liberal, but it works for me. I encourage you to do the same. Later
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Nov. 13th, 2004 @ 12:04 am Is one the loneliest number?
Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: "La Cienega Just Smiled" By: Ryan Adams
I like being alone. Sometimes, I find myself craving human contact, like when I really want to do something social. If I want to go bowling, play a board game, go swimming, have a great conversation, etc., I know that I need and want people to be there with me. However, most of the time, I enjoy my own company. I have lots to think about and I am comfortable enough with myself that I don't feel like a loser if I am not constantly surrounded my other humans. Here is an example: I love going to the movies by myself. I have met plenty of people who have NEVER done this and vow to never do it. I personally don't understand why. I am a huge movie fan and some movies I want to see, others would rather chew off their own arm instead of watching it. I get that, I didn't want to see White Chicks, so I just didn't see it. But, if I wanted to watch a foreign film from Argentina I would go, with or without a posse. Besides, I fucking hate it when people talk in the movies. I can only shhush people so much before it takes its toll on my throat.

I have those moments, however, where I want to be around a certain person (or anyone for that matter)so badly it hurts. In that case, I call a friend and see if they can hang out. But, I feel like that so seldomly lately. I suppose it could be because I have been alone a lot in the past few weeks. You just get used to it, you know? I mean, even when I am at work, and I am surrounded by people I sometimes think of that as 'alone time'. I am not really there, I am in Venice having a coffee in an outdoor cafe when a beautiful Italian man comes by and... Okay maybe my daydreams don't take me that far, but I can get lost in my thought. Your mind wanders after you fold your 8,000th pair of tapered leg Levis, believe me. All of this alone talk is probably bullshit though. I have most likely just resigned myself to my situation and I am just trying to make the best of it. I am just trying to convince myself that I want to be alone, really you do, come on, come on. I would be around more of my family and friends if only I had more time, stamina, caffine. So, I find myself torn. I know that in some ways I like to be alone, but in others, am I just kidding myself? I have no answers tonight folks. I will just ponder it lightly in my mind tomorrow when I am alone at work in the morning, Levis here I came. Later.
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Nov. 12th, 2004 @ 12:27 am Ordinary Girl
Current Mood: sore
Current Music: "Miss Independant" By: Kelly Clarkson
I am ordinary. I know for a lot of people that is the worst thing you could call them. Not for me, I don't mind it. I am not one of those that HAS to stand out. I figure people will like me for my personality and if they don't notice me right away, it is no big deal. I enjoy blending in and being unidentifiable (I could probably assasinate a foriegn dignitary and no one would know it was me, up side to everything you know). I just don't get attention seekers. Why do you want the whole world looking at you? Making judgements on you? Envying or hating you? I don't get it and I most likely never will.

I would rather run with the crowd. That is not to say that I am a follower. I think for myself and come to my own realizations in my own time. I do not take the easy answer, I look for the deeper issue in most circumstances. Like the whole religion thing. I am a recovering Catholic. I truly cannot stand the hipocracy or greed of that institution any longer. I attended Catholic school my whole life and studied the bible. And sadly, I bought into it. Hook. Line. Sinker. I have better vision of 'the truth' now. Let's just say I got glasses for the first time and now the word is much clearer. I started to realize that the bible is simply a book written by a bunch of men. Some say that it is god's word, it is the holy bible after all. Yeah, right! Come on, give me a break! It may be god's words but it was transcribed by humans and translated 3 dozen times by humans and interpreted by humans. Sorry kids, I'm not buyin'. But, does that make me stand out? Does that make me someone who people envy or hate? I know I would stand out at midnight mass or at a pro-life rally, but in everyday life, I am just ordinary. And that is fine by me, after all, nobody expects the Spanish Inquistion. Later.
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Nov. 11th, 2004 @ 12:19 am That look in your eye...
Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: "Float on" By: Modest Mouse
I got to thinking about honesty today. Honesty is a powerful thing, in a lot of ways it is more powerful than manipulation and more hurtful than lies. There are some times that lies are actually preferred. Oh you want an example? Okay... Honey, do I look fat? or Does size matter? My personal favorite is, How are you today? Well, most days I am shitty, tired, confused, disappointed or just okay. But what is my answer to this question I am asked like 50 times a day? Good. Fine, thank you, how are you? I mean when you ask someone in passing how they are, are you really expecting an honest to goodness answer? No, you want the short and sweet of it.

The other thing about truth is, well, it hurts. I really think that most of us live in a foggy world of our own making. I cloud up stuff that I do not want to face or deal with. I don't want to think about my problems 24/7 and if I had clear concise vision of the truth at all times, I would go mad. Everyone who knows me understands that I am an honest person. I will be happy to tell you if your outfit looks like shit, or if I think that your new boyfriend is an asshole. I also like when people are honest with me. I really don't need things sugar-coated for me, I am cubby enough and more sugar would just do me no good.

But, in a relationship, is honesty always the best policy? Are we always honest with the people in our lives? Parents? Friends? Siblings? Boy/Girlfriends? I am sure that the answer is no. We can't be truth tellers all the time, or no one would want to be around us. Because, when we tell the truth, we are telling OUR truth. Humans aren't objective, we have skewed views, it is the crux of the whole homosapien thing. Therefore, it is not only the truth, it is the truth according to you. That is how feelings get hurt. No matter how much we would just like to stick to the facts and have it cut and dry, emotions seep in. I believe in honesty, but not brutal honesty (except in extreme circumstances). It is not good to lie about things that you should tell the truth on (Mr. President, did she suck your cock?-- yes she did) But there is no need to be brutally honest. (--yes she did and it is because my wife is a fridge bitch who hasnt put out since 1989) Tone it down, but tell the truth, you never know it could be cathartic(let out some of those nasty demons). Later.
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Nov. 8th, 2004 @ 12:24 am Attention Shoppers...
Current Mood: cranky
Current Music: "Burn" By: Usher
So, I fucking hate sales. I know what you are thinking, who hates sales? If there were no sales we would have to pay full price and then the would be less money we would have to spend on more shit we don't need! Well, just try working a sale. I work in retail and the only thing I hate more than a big, highly over advertised sale is going to the gynocologist. There are masses of people buying clothes that are ugly, ill-fitting and tacky, and the whole time they try to squeeze every penny they can out of the store. Now I know the store can afford it, but so can most people. Here is what I mean: If someone finds a shirt on the wrong rack, say it is $14.99 and the rack says $12.50, they will fight you tooth and nail to tell you how much your merchandise is. Then, when they have throughly put you in a bad mood and ruined your day, they ask for the manager who conceedes to the customer instead of firmly, yet nicely telling them no (usually they really don't want to deal with this insane person anymore than you did in the first place and they're pussies). You, as the empolyee, are fuming with anger and frustration as the customer looks at you smugly vindicated. You have to smile and fight the urge to leap clear across the counter and throttle them in the middle of the Jr/Miss cardigan sweater display. And all this over $2.49, now that is fucking rediculous.
And now it is the worst time to work anywhere near a store, because here it comes: THE HOLIDAY SEASON!!!! Because of my line of work, I fucking hate the holidays. Yeah, it is sad, I mean I used to love Christmas and New Years, Thanksgiving and Kwanza. Okay, so I never celebrated Kwanza, but it sounds interesting. Now, though, the sound of sleigh bells and pop Christmas music makes me feel nauseated... because I know what that means, longer store hours, longer lines, crazier crankier customers, inane questions (Did you get my gift receipts?), and new blisters on my feet. Sometimes I ask myself, why do you do this, year after year, to yourself? And the answer is almost too apparent and I shake my head because of it, I get a discount on the Christmas presents I buy. I also need money to buy those gifts and to pay my bills and to eat. So I guess the reasons are good and I will probably find myself in 2005 asking the exact same thing. I do, however have a reaquest to any potential customers: Be Kind, we have to clean up after your messy asses. Later
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Nov. 2nd, 2004 @ 02:20 am It's all inside of you...
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: "Miami" By: Counting Crows
Happy Election Day! Yeah, my first presidental election. I wouldn't be suprised if my mom walked me to my polling place and took a picture of me like she did my first day of pre-school. I am excited and terrified. I really want my canidates to win (Kerry, Obama, etc...) but I have my doubts about the rest of the country. They say it is the most important election of our lifetime, I am not sure if that is true, yet I know it is at least the most important election in a while. I think about all of my political beliefs and I wonder, what does everyone else think? To me, it is really unfathomable that anyone could be against a woman's right to choose what happens to her body, but people do. People KILL to prove their point, they cloud their judgement with moral thinking and let logic and civil rights fall by the wayside. I shake my head when I think that I am so lucky to be straight, because if I was gay I would be so hurt that my government doesn't think that I count. My relationships are meaningless and sometimes illegal. My partner doesn't deserve to collect my pension if I die or get my health benefits. I believe that the war is a meaningless pissing contest. Bush just wants to show the world that his dick is bigger than theirs. And I am sick of it. I can't stand to hear the idiotic words fall out of his mouth for another 4 years. I do not understand how ANYONE could vote for a man who lead us into war, recession, hatred, and fucked foreign policy can even be put back on the ballot. Hopefully we as a nation have wised up, just like we did with Bush Sr. He only got one term-- time to let the democrats come and clean up the Bush's mess. Later.
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